Jamaica 2024
When a friend reaches out and tells you that she is going to a conference in Jamaica, then suggests we meet her in advance and do a week at an all-inclusive resort before it starts, there really is only one answer... Hell yeah!
We did some research and discussed with the group of 6 of us that would be going, and chose the Secrets St James resort in Montego Bay, Jamaica. We had heard so much about how great Secrets were compared to a regular all-inclusive. At the same time we were looking at options, Norine gets an email from Costco advertising travel packages to the exact place we were discussing. one day later it was booked.
Time flies when you are waiting for a trip, and soon enough it was November and we were in an Uber on our way to the airport. We had an overnight in Dallas at a very noisy hotel, and the next morning we boarded our plane for Jamaica.
SATURDAY
Apparently we arrived just a few minutes too late and the pre-arranged transport to our hotel had left without us, so the guy called a driver, and we had a personal escort in a Suburban to our resort. Along the way we learned interesting facts about Jamaica, including how safe Montego Bay was and some great recommendations for tours and restaurants.
When we arrived at Secrets we were shown to our room, and 10 minutes later we asked to change rooms because it seemed like a Mariachi band and hard partiers were staying in the adjoining room next door.
Our room view 
Our pool
The drink of the day was Rum punch, so we had a few of those while we explored the grounds and waited for our friends to arrive.
After trying another restaurant that had a long wait, our first nights gourmet dinner ended up being at the Bordeaux French restaurant, a very good meal complete with Escargot. Follow that up with a little music and some after dinner drinks, and our first night was complete.
We come back to find we have turn-down service, but only one chocolate to share between us.
SUNDAY
Sunday's drink of the day was a Bob Marley, a 3 layered concoction of Red, Green and Yellow boozes. I didn't want to mix my alcohols, so I drank those all day.
Today started as a beach day and ended with a bit of a downpour, apparently we are in for some rough weather the next few days as we are at the start of a new Hurricane, at least we only get Tropical Storm Rafael.
How it started How it's
going
We brought umbrellas with us to the Blue Mountain Jamaican restaurant, a variety of more
traditional and more spicy foods.
Spicy but quite good.
The rain stopped long enough for us to enjoy the evenings entertainment, a trapeze show. They were very good, but we were all distracted by the Instagram girl standing up to get photos taken of her side boob with the act going on behind her.
Apparently the others didn't get their rooms cleaned or turn-down service the previous night and asked for it, and they weren't even provided hand soap... I guess they got that service tonight, because we didn't, I guess they can only do so many rooms per day.
MONDAY
Monday's drink of the day was a Jamaican special, it was very tasty.
The morning started as a beach day, even though it was cloudy, it was still very warm. By the afternoon the heavy rains of Tropical storm Rafael had started.
We all brought umbrellas with us to the Portofino Italian restaurant, but the rain had stopped when we were sat at an outside table, just as the drinks arrived the rain started and they moved us inside. The waterman and the waitress were so friendly and very funny, he jokingly says that she is his fiancee. When we ask her about it she laughs, and says, oh yeah, the wedding is Next year Monday. That phrase is now in all of our repertoires. This was maybe the best dinner of the whole trip.
We had turn down service tonight and 2 chocolates on our pillow, yay for service.
TUESDAY
Tuesday's drink of the day was a Jamaican Mama, we may have had a few of these.
Jamee and Chad were staying in the preferred area of the resort, and told us no-one is ever in their pool since it doesn't have a swim-up bar. So we decided to have a Pool day at the preferred pool, just the six of us in the rain most of the day
How it started How it's
going
We took a break from drinking, errr, floating, and went for lunch and to check out the shops. As we are looking at some Xmas ornaments, I bump a Mannequin that has cardboard under it's foot to keep it standing. It falls forward and I try to stop it as it flies the other way in a huge crash and his little head rolls across the shop. The shopkeeper jokingly comes over, "What are you doing?". I put his head back on, and the shopkeeper stuffs more cardboard under his foot and sets him back up. As I'm looking at the other side of the store I hear a crash, raise my arms and walk out of the store... IT WASN'T ME!
Tonight's dinner was at El Patio Mexican restaurant. I had Jerk Chicken Tacos and was surprised by some hidden hot peppers in the mix. Ice Cream for dessert seems like a good solution until I found out it was a Scotch Bonnet Ice Cream, and if you don't know what a Scotch Bonnet is, let's just say it may hurt as much going down as it does coming out.
Everyone else headed back to their rooms after dinner, so Norine and I went exploring and found the auditorium where the Pace band was playing indoors tonight because of the rain. They were amazing, she was amazing, singing all the diva ballads by Adele, Whitney, Aretha, Tina, and many more.
I guess tonight was our non-turn down night, but I had to phone and request that they provide us more soap as ours had run out. They showed up with 3 towels, grinning I thanked him and asked for the soap... he came back 15 minutes later.
WEDNESDAY
Wednesday was our first excursion, a Montego Bay Highlights tour. Just the 6 of us in a van taken around the different districts of Montego Bay. We started with the morning markets, where basically locals just park on the side of the road and sell fruits, vegetables and other necesseties out of the trunks of their cars and pickups.
Whenever you see a movie or TV show taking place in Mexico there is always a Yellow tint to to the screen, turns out we had the same thing here in Jamaica, it's just the window tinting.
We stopped at a weird little beach area, and saw this wicked looking water car, the lady there tells me, it's no big deal, just a shell on a Sea-Doo. A group of locals is selling bracelets to the girls, and trying to sell "spliffs" to the guys.
We learned some of the history of Rose Hall, where Tom and Chad would be playing golf later in the week. According to legend, a "white witch" called "Annie Palmer" who murdered three husbands haunts the property. The White Witch is a legendary story of a haunting in Jamaica. According to the legend, the spirit of a white plantation owner named Annie Palmer haunts the grounds of Rose Hall in Montego Bay. She moved to Jamaica and married John Palmer, the owner of the Rose Hall Plantation. Annie murdered Palmer along with two subsequent husbands and numerous male plantation slaves, later being murdered herself by a slave named "Takoo". A song about the legend called "The Ballad of Annee Palmer" was recorded by Johnny Cash. For many years Cash owned the nearby Cinnamon Hill Great House, which overlooks a hole on the golf course that haunts Tom.
Our driver asks if we would like to visit a bird sanctuary, and we all said yes. We pull up to this ramshackle looking place and I'm pretty sure it's just a pet store. There's a group sitting around smoking pot, and chickens are wandering around in the dirt, I have my doubts what we are in for. It ended up being better than we expected.
We are taken into an enclosed budgie cage and given bird seed, and the birds go crazy.
Next up we meet Black Bart, a giant pigeon.
One of the strangest moments was this posed picture... one by one they bring out an animal, a bunny for Norine, a bunny for Jamee, a Pomeranian for Diane? The rest of us got birds, but Diane just gets this dog?
We ended the visit with a goose feeding frenzy, and then a thorough hand-washing. It definitely was a bit of a tourist trap, ?but I'm glad we did it...how often do you get a chance to get clawed by a giant Parrot
After a quick photo stop at Usain Bolt's restaurant, we stopped at a local craft market, where Norine ensured that each ladies booth ended up with some of our money. She is slowly improving in her negotiation skills, but still needs some work. These ladies were the queen of guilt trips.
On the way back, we pass the Reggae & Dancehall Wall of Fame, this mural celebrates the influential figures of reggae and dancehall, both past and present... featuring portraits of legendary artistes such as Bob Marley, Jimmy Cliff, Shaggy, Bounty Killer, Beenie Man, Sean Paul, Beres Hammond, Spice, Lady Saw, and Protoje.
We returned to the drink of the day, Island iced Tea's, we all loaded our Yeti's and headed back in the preferred pool in a downpour… several hours later a couple walks past us and congratulated us for sticking out the lousy weather.
Tonight we ended up trying the Himitsu Pan Asian restaurant, as there was long waits at
the other places. This is the same place where we have reserved a Tepanyaki experience
including food cooked on a grill at your table, but this is just the Asian food menu.
Unfortunately you are in the same building as the Tepanyaki experience and they are
brutally loud, banging their flippers on the metal grill, yelling, singing... it was too
much, and we cancelled our Friday night reservation to come back there.
The food was very good though.
After dinner was a Jamaican Musical show, the cast consisted of staff members from the resort, backed up by the Pace band members. You can tell they haven't made a lot of musicals, but everyone was having fun.
We returned to the room hoping for a nice turn down service and fresh towels only to discover the room wasn't made up, and all of the hand towels had disappeared and not been replaced.
THURSDAY
Thursday's drink of the day was Cherry Lemonade, it was way too good, and would be the downfall of most of us that day. We decided today would be a beach day, and it turns out the day with the deadliest drinks was the day we got decent service on the beach.
We took a break from the beach, and a had a great lunch at the Oceana restaurant overlooking the pool. The trouble was they were having a foam party in the pool, and giant balls of foam would float away and land on us, land on our plates, or land in our drinks.
Bellies full, we headed back to the beach.
We were in the Sea drinking until it was dark, taking turns heading to the beach bar to refill our cherry lemonades. Some strangers came over and gave their Floaties to us because they were leaving, funny how when you are floating in the ocean that you don't notice how drunk you are. So many laughs on this day.
The only known photo in existence of Chad smiling.
When it was time for dinner, we discovered Tom had passed out, so the rest of us went to find food and discovered the Restaurants were all super busy. The Himitsu Pan Asian restaurant gave us a beeper and we sat at the Piano bar watching the Pace band. An hour later we went to check and were told they have been paging us for over an hour, ummm, no... but at least we can eat now. Once again it was a cacaphony of banging and yelling, so glad we cancelled our Friday night reservation for the Tepenyaki experience.
After dinner we headed back to the performance stage and listened to the Pace band some more and danced till they finished.
No turn-down service tonight, and the towels still were gone, but at least the room was cleaned and the bed was made.
FRIDAY
Today Tom and Chad were heading to the infamous Rose Hall's Cinnamon Hills golf course, Jamee and Diane would hang at the resort, and Norine and I were going on a Rasta Safari Experience.
We were picked up by our driver Junior from Rasta Safari, along with an older couple from England, and headed back out into Montego Bay and up into the hills. It's an Hour and Half to the Rastafarian town of Roaring Rapids.
Strange things that you notice on a long drive in the back of a van... Junior has only one CD, Bob Marley's Legend, and every once in a while he breaks into song, singing along loudly with the reggae beats. The fairly modern looking Toyota van has an information screen in the center of the console, and all the information is in Japanese, apparently Junior doesn't know how to change the language. The 3rd thing you notice is the glove box full of pre-roll torpedoes. Apparently this is the Rastafarian way.
Our first stop is a quick bathroom break and chance to purchase drinks. The second stop is at Cool Jellyman who has a stand on the side of the road selling all kinds of fruits at discount prices. We bought some mini bananas.
A while later we arrive at the small village of Roaring River, population of approximately 600 people. It is located on what used to be an old plantation, and is now a thriving community living the Rastafaian lifestyle, sharing their fruits and vegetables and helping each other. As soon as we arrive, we are given Morning tea - a combination of 63 proof rum and Red Bull.
We walk over to the corral where we meet our guides for the day, Ali and Gilbert, and are loaded into an ATV.
Each ATV gets 2 guides, one motorcycle in front, and one motorcycle following... we don't see the British couple again until lunchtime. We head off into the hills, and explore the countryside, stopping to take photos, avoiding livestock and learning about the local usages of their many plants, trees and Weeds.
It's a F'ing Goat!
After a brief stop, Norine took her turn behind the wheel, and was nearly charged by a cow.
It's a herd of F'ing Goats!
Our first long stop is back in the main "village" area, where kids are jumping off the bridge into the river. We are told about the healing properties of the Mineral Spring fed Roaring River, and told if we swam in it, we would feel 20 years younger.
Norine and I came prepared, stripped down to our bathing suits and plunged in, joining a family of locals having some play time with their littles, and the leaping lads. neither the British couple, or any of the other tour groups went into the water with us.
We are given a fresh coconut to drink, and also told of how what they have is for sharing, ONE LOVE.
On a warm muggy day, the cool waters of the river combined with the coconut water, I am sure I feel at least 10 years younger.
While I am having a "conversation" with our guide Ali about the local flora, Norine gets called over by Nauris, the local peanut farmer. He tells her how he feels a great Aura around her, and that most tourists would stay in their resorts, but we came out here to see the real Jamaica, and how they all appreciate that. His 2 dollar bag of peanuts was the tastiest we have ever had.
One of the little guys that was jumping in the river, comes up to me and taps me on the arm, "Mister, we are all going to jump in a row, you should film us!" and runs away with a huge grin on his face.
Our next stop is where the Springs come out of the earth to feed the river. In the background behind us is the stairs leading to the famous caves of Roaring River.
After my "conversation", it was probably best to let Norine keep driving.
Our last stop before lunch was one of their plantations, where we could see many of the fruit trees, and their other crops.
We learned about the varying crops they grew, the blending they do, and the multitude of infused flavours they created. We learned how they seed, grow and cultivate, and how quickly they rotate crops in the Jamaican sunshine.
After viewing the crops we were shown a series of concoctions that were made for health,
stamina, strength and virility...
"all for the low low price of...". We didn't buy anything from here.
After our education in the Rastafarian farming techniques, we loaded up the ATV, headed past some beautiful gardens, and headed towards our final stop... Lunch.
Our Rastafarian guides for the day; Gilbert and Ali.
We met back up with the British couple and shared our lunch with the local cats.
Our Vegan lunch was incredibly good, a mix of rice and peas (beans), cooked cabbage, and a brown mystery item that reminded me of long stewed beef. When we asked what it was, turns out its a secret spice recipe of Soy Beans. I never would have guessed.
After our lunch, we loaded back into the Rasta Safari van with Junior for our hour and a half drive back to Montego Bay and the resort, at least that's what we thought.
Turns out that Friday is payday in Jamaica, everybody collects their 100 dollars for the week, and heads into town, to do their shopping or spend their money. The other couple wanted to stop at some shops in town, and that short detour turned our 2 hour delay in traffic into a five hour trip. I'm sure if Junior told us the traffic would be that bad, we would have skipped the shops and saved 2-3 hours. We watched the sunset in traffic, and for 5 hours we listened to Bob Marley's Legend CD on repeat. I sure hope that the band isn't playing much reggae back at the resort tonight.
It's after 8:00 by the time we arrive back at Secrets. A long but very fun day (except for the drive back). All of our friends have already eaten and gone back to our rooms, so we head over to try and find a restaurant that can fit us in. Much to our joy, it's Jamaican night on the resort, and the World Cafe restaurant is a giant Jamaican buffet with no waits! Even better, the band is setup playing Reggae music right in front of the restaurant... all the greatest hits that we have been listening to for the last 5 hours.
Not sure what the drink of the day was, so we went with Norine's favourite, the Island Paradise.
Since everyone else has called it a night, we wander the resort looking for a non-reggae dance night, once again the disco is empty... pretty sure the bartender and DJ are asleep in the back. We too a nice leisurely walk back to the room that hasn't had a turn-down service, and I swear more towels are missing.
SATURDAY
Saturday was our last beach day, so we started with Mudslides and ended with Island Paradises. We said our goodbyes to Chad and Jamee who were flying out that afternoon, and Tom who was heading back to the Haunted Johnny Cash hole at Cinnamon Hills.
Lunch would consist of visits to the Jerk Chicken shack, and watching the mongoose play along the rock wall.
After several visits to the Jerk Shack, we headed back to the beach for more drinks, an afternoon of sun and a beautiful sunset.
Our final dinner at Secrets was at the poolside Oceana restaurant, this time without foam blobs invading our meal.
The disco was dead again, so we headed back to the room to pack up for the next adventure. Hey look, turn-down service and 2 chocolates!
SUNDAY
Sunday morning and we said our goodbyes and are picked up by a large bus for just the 2 of us. Apparently right after we left there was a couple small earthquakes on Jamaica, I jokingly told our group that it was just Norine's luggage leaving the island.
Our Costco package included the Mobay Club VIP, so after checking in, we are escorted to a lounge for breakfast and get express clearance through security.
Oddities in travel routes would see us have to fly to Miami before heading to our next destination of Turks & Caicos. We would spend the night in Miami before flying off in the morning. That will be a whole other blog story.
The Miami International Airport Hotel couldn't be in a more convenient location, but it was definitely run down and had terrible views. We had to change rooms after they booked us originally in a room right beside the squealing elevator. Our cost of moving was being woken up at 6:00 am by a loud talker in the room next to us making business calls in some foreign language.
Our last official dinner of this leg of the trip was suitably at Margaritaville, although this one had a little less atmosphere, sitting in the middle of a walkway of the airport.
We had high expectations of Secrets after hearing from so many people about how great they are compared to other resort chains. They charge a premium for their supposed 5 star level and non-kid resorts, so when we found the service levels lacking on the beach/pool, the wait times at the restaurants very long, and the in-room cleanup service hit and miss, we were not impressed. It may seem petty to whine about some of these things, but when you pay the price for a 5 star resort and get 3 star service, there's a disconnect.
We still had a great week of way too many drinks, way too many laughs, way too much good food, and some fun excursions with our friends, and look forward to upcoming adventures.